Saturday, October 22, 2011

Reasons Why Bowling Is the Greatest Sport Ever

Reasons Why Bowling Is the Greatest Sport Ever

Bowling vs. Basketball: You can't drink beer while playing basketball, you'd spill it all over the court. Basketball requires constant motion, but bowling requires almost constant sitting. Plus you can eat anything from wings to soup, no problem, the waitress at the bowling alley will bring you what you want.

Bowling vs. Football: Sure, football is manly, but it isn't fashionable. You can't look good in all those pads. Bowling, on the other hand, has its own shirt. While jerseys are baggy and ill-fitting without the pads, bowling shirts are perfect for your average strip club.

Bowling vs. Baseball: While baseball is almost as old as bowling, it's traditions have left it only slightly more exciting than golf. Bowling has an intensity you just don't get with your average baseball game. Maybe, if like bowling, all the players drank beer that would help.

Bowling vs. Hockey: Hockey is probably the most manly of sports, but let's face it, the players look like they've been hit in the face with hockey pucks and most of them have. And while bowlers may be over weight, they have a calm, collective cool that is both fashionable and something you'd want your kid to emulate.

Bowling vs. the Olympics: Sure the Olympics are a worldwide spectacle of athletic prowess, but it's a lot of work. Besides, you don't have to go all the way to China to bowl a few frames. You can get the same kind of epic competition at the nearest alley.

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

What Your Halloween Costumes Says About You

What Your Halloween Costumes Says About You

Costumes are a window into the soul or at least a window into how much someone will spend on one drunken night of apple bobbing. Halloween is around the corner, so know the signs.

Costume: 80's Party Girl
Who Wears It: Some chick too young to remember the 80's.
Why She Wears It: She likes 80's music because to her, it's baby music. Plus, she can dress like a slut, have a one-night stand and blame on the costume.

Costume: Mr. Bill Costume
Who Wears It: Some dude old enough to remember Mr. Bill.
Why He Wears It: This is the oldest guy that got invited to your party and he'd like everyone to forget that. Since his wife divorced him, it's hard for him to get laid. He'll spend most of the night talking the 80's Party Girl until he takes his mask off to drink a beer.

Costume: Sexy Girl Scout Uniform
Who Wears It: The normally uptight, hot chick.
Why He Wears It: The uptight hot chick is looking amazing in this outfit, but she plans to dump most of it on the floor of some guy's apartment after a wild night that she'll later deny. Her hormones and religious guilt keep her bipolar disorder and mood swings rattling around at a good clip.

Costume: Kiss My Irish Ass
Who Wears It: The drunkest guy at the party.
Why He Wears It: He was planning on coming to the party, getting wasted and making an ass out of himself anyway. With this costume, he figures that no one will be surprised when he's found passed out in a bathtub of vomit.

Costume: Bacon and Eggs
Who Wears It: That annoying couple that does everything together.
Why He Wears It: This couple might as well have themselves sewn together like some kind of demented human centipede. Could they be any more disgustingly cute? Their constant PDA will put you off breakfast for weeks to come.

Costume: Borat Mankini Costume
Who Wears It: The guy that thinks he's hilarious.
Why He Wears It: The office clown missed the memo that repeating catchphrases from movies that everyone is over isn't clever. His Borat would've been funny two years ago and his constant threats to go to an open mic night are starting to wear thin.

Costume: Boba Fett
Who Wears It: The geek
Why He Wears It: Sadly, your geeky friend already owned this costume. In fact, he sometimes wears it on the weekend at comic book conventions. He'll take this opportunity to geek out all over the party. Maybe the Sexy Girl Scout could finally make him a man.

Thursday, September 08, 2011

What Your Candy Says About You

What Your Candy Says About You

Candy. That delicious sugary treat, not that stripper from that place out on the highway. It says a lot about you and not just about your diabetes. Candy sends a message and that message is, "You're fat, stop eating me." But there's another, deeper, more nuanced message that you should know.

Mr. Goodbar: The yellow wrapper says, "Stop, I'm scared", but the "mister" part demands respect. Therefore, it says you're a respectable coward. A person that runs away during a fight, but in an extremely dignified manner.
Twizzlers: Obviously, with a catch phrase like "Make mouths happy", you've got quite the oral fixation if you're popping the red vines. We're not saying you might be a slut, we are saying that you are definitely a slut. Charms Blow Pop: And speaking of oral fixations, Charms is a candy of seduction, but it's also a candy of surprise. Like the candy, you have a hard exterior, but inside you're soft and gooey. Probably because you're internal organs are there. Tootsie Pop: Some say that as a Tootsie Pop person, you're not full of chocolate, but something else that's brown and soft. Like the pop, you're a mystery to get inside. How many licks does it take? It probably depends on how horny you are that day.
Nerds: Well, you need something to eat while surfing the Internet and quite frankly, any sugary substance will do. Like you, this candy is a little too on the nose with your description poindexter.
Pixie Stix: You are a flighty sprite, dancing in the field. Probably because you just ate a straw full of colored sugar. Why don't you just eat it straight from the sugar bag, "Diabetic Debbie"? The heroin of all candy, Pixie Stix say "I really don't give a crap what I put into my body."

Tuesday, August 09, 2011

How to Invest in the United States of America - T Shirt Edition

How to Invest in the United States of America

Straight Talk - Stock Market by senatork

Step 1: Get a lot of money, preferable money you don’t need.

Step 2: Invest in dollars or stock tied to the U.S. dollar to make sure your investments are tied directly to the economic future of the United States.

Step 3: Ignore stock advice from CNBC, the Wall Street Journal, Goldman Sachs and especially the S&P people.

Step 4: Sing “America the Beautiful” with feeling.

Step 5: Stare dumbfounded as your stocks plummet.

Step 6: Trade what’s left for a sandwich.

Step 7: Tell all your buddies around the oil drum fire what a big wig you used to be.

Wednesday, July 27, 2011

Five People You’ll Meet in a Disaster

Five People You’ll Meet in a Disaster

Disasters are everywhere and we’re not just talking about the ones that get elected to Congress. At any time or any place, something can go so wrong that you’ll end up in the hospital as news crews descend upon you like a plague of ravenous locusts. Here now are five people you’re likely to meet when the sh*t hits the fan.

5: Takey McCharge: When disaster strikes, this guy immediately elects himself president, skipper, head hancho. Takey starts barking orders at everyone, even when he doesn’t know what to do. The important thing is, he THINKS he knows what to do. Unfortunately, Takey’s just scared and you following his every whim makes him feel better. Even if you’re stocking up on food while the zombies burst in.

4: Ulysses S. Deadweightenstein: Ulysses has plenty of skills, unfortunately now that the damn has broke and the flood waters are here, I.T. management isn’t needed. Flailing about trying to do something just to feel safer, he does more damage that if he stayed put. Eventually, you’ll be force to give him busy jobs just to keep him out of the way. Fortunately, he’s likely to get himself killed and really put himself out of the way, before he actually listens to you.

3: Captain Panic: The good captain is so gripped by fear, he babbles nonsense in between randomly screaming, “We’re all gonna die!” The Captain is no good under pressure and snaps at anyone that tries to tell him something useful. He’s the guy you’ll end up slapping and saying stuff like, “Get a hold of yourself!” or “Dammit, man! There are women and children to save!” Mighty Mouse, he is not.

2: Jimmy Hoarder: Jimmy is already playing the angle of this disaster. Rather than help anyone out, he’s helping himself by hoarding important resources. Taking advantage of people’s panic, he’s charging $10 for a can of tuna and $20 for a can of soup. He’d better trade up for a few guns and some ammo before the next angry fat person bites his face off.

1: Hero DeathWishson: Hero has watched too many movies and read too many comics. Coming equipped with a vampire hunting kit “just in case”, the actual people looking to save you tolerate him and try not to roll their eyes too much. Sadly, his overconfidence will lead him to go outside during the eye of the hurricane or to attempt to fight the terrorists all by himself.

Friday, July 08, 2011

Five People You’ll Meet at the Movies

Five People You’ll Meet at the Movies

Going to the movies isn’t like it was in the past. Before, it was a night out to a nice place for some nice entertainment. Now it’s like inviting 200 people into your living room and wishing they’d shut the Hell up. Here now are five people you’ll meet in the movies.

5. Munchy McMunch: Munchy won’t be happy until he manages to jam every conceivable snack onto a box lid. I mean, is he even aware that those hotdogs contain no meat and have been cooking since the theater snack bar opened? For the money he’s spending on snacks, he could stuff himself with sushi before he even arrived.

4: Mr. Clickity-Click: Mr. C has come to the movies, but spends all the time clicking the buttons on his phone. He’s tweeting, IM’ing, checking Facebook and generally doing anything except watching the movie. Invariably, about halfway through the movie he’s forced to turn to his friend and ask what’s happening in the story.

3. Mr. & Mrs. Can’t-Stay-Home: This couple feels compelled to bring their baby EVERYWHERE. It’s bad enough you ruined dinner at a nice restaurant. Now you had to bring your kid to X-men: First Class? Seriously? What’s wrong with you? Babies can’t understand movies. Get Netflix and then get the Hell out.

2. Chatty Chatterson: Oh, great, talking. That’ just what you paid $12 dollars to listen to, some guy in the seat in front of you talking ABOUT the movie. His friends are trapped listening to him drone on for two hours. Can’t you just shut up so we can all hear Bruce Willis kill bad guys?!

1: Trashman CheapDouche: This guy has a lot in common with Munchy, except he was at least smart enough to hit the mini-mart before he came. Smuggling in too much food under his jacket, he now proceeds to eat it all, while dumping the wrappers everywhere. Way to make those ushers earn their keep Trashman, you lazy bastard.

You can view all our movie t-shirts and come up with your own people that you generally meet at the movies here.

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

Sports T-Shirts and Five Kinds of Sports Fans

Five Kinds of Sports Fans

While looking at the different sports t-shirts we carry and looking for unique, funny, local sports t-shirts to sell from different cities this article on sports fans came about.

5: The Detroit Fan: Detroit fans have a never-say-die attitude, which is good, because their sports team usually die on the field. Whether it’s the Pistons trying to keep the second half from turning into a blowout or the Tigers trying to competently make it the 9th inning without losing in double digits, Detroit fans are full of hope. They have to be. It’s not like their city is full of championship rings or trophies.

4: The New York Fan: Smug and superior, the New York sports fan never knows the pain of his team not being able to afford to buy a championship. At this point, it’s almost boring when the Yankees win and doubly embarrassing when they lose. Fortunately, there are always Mets and Jets fans to remind New Yorkers that their sports teams can always sink to the bottom.

3: The Atlanta Fan: Rife with amazingly polite homeless people, Atlanta fans take pride in their sports teams. Sure, their backwood, hillbilly lifestyle makes it hard for them to afford the high priced, high-falootin’ sports tickets, but after someone reads the streets signs for them, they find the stadiums fast enough to see the game.

2: The California Fan: Sadly, all they know is Lakers basketball and one has to wonder what will happen when they no longer have a 20-foot giant on the team that has to bend down to drop the ball in the hoop. Perhaps, in the future, Los Angeles will discover that they actually have other sports in their city. Then again, why bother to go when you can legally smoke medical marijuana?

1: The Philadelphia Fan: Drunk, belligerent and full of riot juice, the average Philadelphia sports fan is obnoxious, the city once proposed “muzzle day” for one of the Phillies home games. There’s a reason the pretzels are sold soft in Philadelphia, so they don’t hurt anyone when they are hurled onto the sports field. Any town that booed Santa, would pretty much boo its own mother.