Wednesday, July 27, 2011

Five People You’ll Meet in a Disaster

Five People You’ll Meet in a Disaster

Disasters are everywhere and we’re not just talking about the ones that get elected to Congress. At any time or any place, something can go so wrong that you’ll end up in the hospital as news crews descend upon you like a plague of ravenous locusts. Here now are five people you’re likely to meet when the sh*t hits the fan.

5: Takey McCharge: When disaster strikes, this guy immediately elects himself president, skipper, head hancho. Takey starts barking orders at everyone, even when he doesn’t know what to do. The important thing is, he THINKS he knows what to do. Unfortunately, Takey’s just scared and you following his every whim makes him feel better. Even if you’re stocking up on food while the zombies burst in.

4: Ulysses S. Deadweightenstein: Ulysses has plenty of skills, unfortunately now that the damn has broke and the flood waters are here, I.T. management isn’t needed. Flailing about trying to do something just to feel safer, he does more damage that if he stayed put. Eventually, you’ll be force to give him busy jobs just to keep him out of the way. Fortunately, he’s likely to get himself killed and really put himself out of the way, before he actually listens to you.

3: Captain Panic: The good captain is so gripped by fear, he babbles nonsense in between randomly screaming, “We’re all gonna die!” The Captain is no good under pressure and snaps at anyone that tries to tell him something useful. He’s the guy you’ll end up slapping and saying stuff like, “Get a hold of yourself!” or “Dammit, man! There are women and children to save!” Mighty Mouse, he is not.

2: Jimmy Hoarder: Jimmy is already playing the angle of this disaster. Rather than help anyone out, he’s helping himself by hoarding important resources. Taking advantage of people’s panic, he’s charging $10 for a can of tuna and $20 for a can of soup. He’d better trade up for a few guns and some ammo before the next angry fat person bites his face off.

1: Hero DeathWishson: Hero has watched too many movies and read too many comics. Coming equipped with a vampire hunting kit “just in case”, the actual people looking to save you tolerate him and try not to roll their eyes too much. Sadly, his overconfidence will lead him to go outside during the eye of the hurricane or to attempt to fight the terrorists all by himself.

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